Does being in a committed relationship mean that you have to spend ALL of your time with your mate? Should you lose your friends and hobbies that you had “Pre-Monogamy”? Many people think that you have to give up everything that you like INDIVIDUALLY to make the MUTUAL relationship work. Many people lose themselves or their identity when they get into a committed relationship. We all have seen the person (or am the person) who disappears when they get involved in a committed relationship. No return calls… No emails… No Facebook or Twitter updates. They have all their friends trying to dig in the crates to remember if they did something or said something that offended them the last time they spoke or seen each other. But soon as their relationship is over they become pests and you can’t get rid of them because they don’t know what the world is like without a mate. Therefore, you are the “temporary fun” until they find another mate.
Relationships should occur Naturally and your behavior inside a relationship should be an extension of who you Naturally are. Therefore, if you played golf or went shopping every Thursday with your friends “Pre-Monogamy” then the relationship shouldn’t hinder you from still playing or shopping. Your hobbies are just as much a part of YOU as your conversation and romantic actions are. If you start eliminating them then you really lose a part of yourself. At some point after the “Euphoric” stage you will start to MISS doing those things and potentially MISPLACE the blame on the relationship when it really was you who made the decision to stop. Although, if your hobbies are detrimental to the relationship because they are “Single-Person” focused; then you need to eliminate those. For instance, if you spent all your free time LOOKING for a mate then you shouldn’t have a problem eliminating those actions when you are fortunate enough to FIND a mate. Going to the club or events trying to “Catch” is a problem. Meeting friends at the club or events trying to “Catch Up” shouldn’t be a problem if that is something that you like to do.
There is a difference between being an INDIVIDUAL and being SINGLE. You can be an INDIVIDUAL and still be in a Monogamous relationship…you can NOT be SINGLE and have a Monogamous relationship. That hasn’t stopped people from trying though. “In a Relationship but It’s Complicated” and “I Only Have a Friend” are a few examples of this nonsense. That is NOT a RELATIONSHIP…that is a “RELATIONS”ship. (Will blog on that separately) The point is this, you can and should do things that you may like to do that your mate does not. It is healthy for every relationship to have some “Me” time. That “Me” time can be filled with pursuing your INDIVIDUAL goals or your INDIVIDUAL hobbies that you feel will enhance or just maintain who YOU are. Of course you have to make time for the relationship and if you spend ALL of your free time golfing or shopping; then you probably don’t have time for a relationship. If you are in the right Monogamous relationship then you should NATURALLY want to do things together which shouldn’t feel like your time is being Monopolized. Be smart about it though… Don’t let the LOVE of your “PRE-Monogamy” actions end the LOVE in your relationship “PRE-Mature”!
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ReplyDeleteRelationships, just like any other living thing, needs to breathe in order to survive and grow in a healthy way. If two people are healthy, they should be able to tolerate a little time apart without it becoming a negative issue in a relationship. I agree with the Individual vs. Single statement. One must maintain their "individual" and the other person should not try to canabalize them. This is usually due to insecurities or mistrust, which usually is who the other "individual" is, which sadly means, you're not going to change them either. Try to get to know someone at the core and reveal your true self enough to know what you are really getting into. People do wear a mask, and on some level, we do, too in these early phases of a relationship. Give things a chance to level off and balance off before you get in too deep. If the person can't accept you for who you are, the way you are, (aside from baggage and other unhealthy behaviors), then who are they loving?... The You that You are, or the You that they want You to be? Is that really love? Or is it potential love, based on conditional changes to who you are as an "individual". Men, you have a way of "hiding" out sometimes, too and that's not cool. Don't use your "hobbies" as a way of withdrawing from a relationship. We women can tell the difference and the patience gets thin when you men are not "handling" your business but using these "sacred" places as an excuse to run from your relationship. Still, the bottom line is trust, emotional security and honesty (which breads trust and emotional security). Stay honest! Maybe you have an insecure mate who needs a little rehab in the trust department. What ARE YOU gonna do about it? Are you ready to "understand" the same way you're asking the mate to "understand"? This is real, too. It's not always you, it could have been the one(s) before you. Are you willing to try to carry that cross until the trust is stronger? Sometimes our partners need help getting to where we want them to be. The decision to make sacrifices in these instances are based on the committment to the relationship. Again, know what and who you have in a partner. Don't misrepresent yourself in the beginning, that will cause a little buyer's remorse. If you know what you have and you invest in the relationship anyway, then we have to be willing to tow the line to get the balance that we want in the relationship. That cliche about it's probably not the toilet seat or the toothpaste cap applies here in most cases. Find the root and deal with the real issues. The everything else makes more sense.
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