Does Monogamy mean Monopoly?

Does being in a committed relationship mean that you have to spend ALL of your time with your mate? Should you lose your friends and hobbies that you had “Pre-Monogamy”? Many people think that you have to give up everything that you like INDIVIDUALLY to make the MUTUAL relationship work. Many people lose themselves or their identity when they get into a committed relationship. We all have seen the person (or am the person) who disappears when they get involved in a committed relationship. No return calls… No emails… No Facebook or Twitter updates. They have all their friends trying to dig in the crates to remember if they did something or said something that offended them the last time they spoke or seen each other. But soon as their relationship is over they become pests and you can’t get rid of them because they don’t know what the world is like without a mate. Therefore, you are the “temporary fun” until they find another mate.

Relationships should occur Naturally and your behavior inside a relationship should be an extension of who you Naturally are. Therefore, if you played golf or went shopping every Thursday with your friends “Pre-Monogamy” then the relationship shouldn’t hinder you from still playing or shopping. Your hobbies are just as much a part of YOU as your conversation and romantic actions are. If you start eliminating them then you really lose a part of yourself. At some point after the “Euphoric” stage you will start to MISS doing those things and potentially MISPLACE the blame on the relationship when it really was you who made the decision to stop. Although, if your hobbies are detrimental to the relationship because they are “Single-Person” focused; then you need to eliminate those. For instance, if you spent all your free time LOOKING for a mate then you shouldn’t have a problem eliminating those actions when you are fortunate enough to FIND a mate. Going to the club or events trying to “Catch” is a problem. Meeting friends at the club or events trying to “Catch Up” shouldn’t be a problem if that is something that you like to do.

There is a difference between being an INDIVIDUAL and being SINGLE. You can be an INDIVIDUAL and still be in a Monogamous relationship…you can NOT be SINGLE and have a Monogamous relationship. That hasn’t stopped people from trying though. “In a Relationship but It’s Complicated” and “I Only Have a Friend” are a few examples of this nonsense. That is NOT a RELATIONSHIP…that is a “RELATIONS”ship. (Will blog on that separately) The point is this, you can and should do things that you may like to do that your mate does not. It is healthy for every relationship to have some “Me” time. That “Me” time can be filled with pursuing your INDIVIDUAL goals or your INDIVIDUAL hobbies that you feel will enhance or just maintain who YOU are. Of course you have to make time for the relationship and if you spend ALL of your free time golfing or shopping; then you probably don’t have time for a relationship. If you are in the right Monogamous relationship then you should NATURALLY want to do things together which shouldn’t feel like your time is being Monopolized. Be smart about it though… Don’t let the LOVE of your “PRE-Monogamy” actions end the LOVE in your relationship “PRE-Mature”!

Platonic Friends…Titanic Problems

Can women and men have platonic friends that are attractive? Just ask someone and depending on how they answer this question is your answer. Platonic friendships are possible but not possible for everyone. If you ask someone if they could be friends with someone attractive from the opposite sex; MOST women would say YES but MOST men would say NO. Why? Do women say YES because men are normally the aggressor and if a guy hasn’t tried to blatantly date them, then women will call them a friend and keep it moving? Do men say NO because Men are more visual/physical beings and think they will always want to be more than friends if the chick is hot enough?

There may be some truth to both of those but I don’t believe those are the main reasons. I think there are 2 types of MEN. Those who are “CHICK MOTIVATED” and those who are NOT. CHICK MOTIVATED men are guys who base everything they do around being able to get CHICKS. Therefore, if you ask them if they could have an attractive platonic friend, they answer NO, if they are being honest. They can’t ever see themselves not being with that person, regardless of the circumstances. These are normally the guys that other men wouldn’t leave alone around their women. Not that they are trying to be DISRESPECTFUL , they just feel the need to exhaust all options before they give up. They can’t be in a platonic friendship because they are not interested in being friends with anyone that they are attracted to because their whole motivation is to score. They plan their day around it.

Women can be “DUDE MOTIVATED” too. They typically plan their day around how to attract men. They typically don’t do “Girls Night Out” unless it involves being somewhere available men will be. They are usually on a date when the girls want to get together and go see the new Sex In The City movie. They normally don’t have any money when it’s time to go wine tasting with the girls…etc. DUDE MOTIVATED women will answer NO to the attractive platonic friend question as well.

Men and Women can have attractive platonic friends if they are mature enough to realize that they don’t have to score with everyone they are attracted to and realize that having a good friend is invaluable regardless of what they look like. It takes a while for men to realize this because men are more visual than women. Also, until men mature, they don’t really care about the long-term outcome as long as they score in the short-term. Women are typically a little more future focused and can restrain from their physical attraction desires until they are convinced it won’t just be a booty call or one night stand. However, there are women who only look to score as well.

The other hindrance to platonic friendships is if either is in a committed relationship. Their mate can cause lots of problems if they don’t trust them. They mask this by saying they trust you but they don’t trust the platonic friend. This is impossible because if you trust your mate, it shouldn’t matter if the other person is untrustworthy. You have to trust that your mate will make the proper decision when you are not around. The other caveat is that if you feel you can have platonic friends, then it shouldn’t be a problem for your mate to have them as well. People who don’t want their mate to have platonic friends are people who can’t have them themselves. If you know that you can’t TRUST YOURSELF then you shouldn’t PUT YOURSELF in that situation. Therefore, attractive platonic friends should be off limits for you. You have to be HONEST with YOURSELF. When you mature you realize… The Make-Up of a friend that makes them ATTRACTIVE is not what they put on their face!

SHE SAY HE’S JUST A FRIEND

Should you be friends first before you date? The popular answer to this is YES. However, I don’t believe in that at all. I think you should always clearly state your intentions upfront. I think the relationship should progress through the natural stages with everyone knowing what the other wishes the outcome to be. A friend and a lover are two different types of relationships that will have different dynamics. You treat your friends differently than you treat your mate. If you start out thinking I am just going to make everyone my friend and then choose from that pool who I will make my mate; that may send mixed signals if you have an upfront attraction for the person you choose.

People try to be “Friends First” because they feel that they can be more honest upfront with a friend vs. someone they want to date. That is the problem with immature dating. If you are honest from the beginning then your relationship has a much greater chance of survival because no one has to feel like the other person changed. It is difficult to do this in dating because everyone wants to be liked and want it to work so they compromise their feelings/thoughts until they get to know someone better. In reality, you are not getting to know them better because they are cautiously only giving you information that they want you to know. Also, it is not you that they are liking, it is only the portion of you that you revealed.

It is a myth to believe that someone who is your friend can all of a sudden become your mate. You can’t flip a switch and dial up some emotions and feelings. If you are attracted to someone, you will always be on your most attractive behavior regardless if you are dating that person or not. This is because in the back of your mind you feel that one day you two may be together. You get to listen to all their problems with their relationship and gain insight to what they like and don’t like and use that at the appropriate time to show them that you are the right person for them. In reality, you could be wearing a bigger mask than the person they just start dating without the friendship. Once again, you are only showing them the part of you that you want them to see. So you get in a relationship with them and it is great at first until you start to act like you would in a relationship vs. a friendship. The little things that didn’t matter if they were just your friend start to matter now.

I’m not saying that it can’t happen but a lot of times it does not unless the intentions were stated upfront and maybe timing just wasn’t right. I know a couple that were friends first and then got married and are still together. However, he wanted to date her from the beginning and let her know his intentions upfront. She was in a relationship at the time and he respected that and became her friend but when the opportunity presented itself, he took it and the rest is history. My point is that he always wanted her to be his mate. He took the friendship to stay relevant until the time was right.

I believe that relationships can work if people are honest in the beginning. You shouldn’t have to Trick them with friendship to get the Treat of a relationship. You should take your time to get to know someone but you have to define how you are trying to get to know them…as a friend or potential lover. If you are compatible and your "Cores" are matched, then your lover will be your friend. You build your friendship as you build your relationship. Friends FIRST normally don’t LAST!

I Cheated…So what! I mean…So what now?

The answer to that is typically, very different for men vs. women. Our society is almost to the point where a man is EXPECTED to cheat. In fact, MOST Women think “All Men Cheat”. So there is a mindset that “As long as he do everything else and don’t put it in my face, then Whatever!” Many women would stay with a man if he is caught cheating. Therefore, many Men truly believe that they can’t stop cheating since it is accepted. Instead of working on ways to be loyal they work on ways not to get caught or “put it in her face”. This is a very immature reaction. If you don’t WANT to do drugs but they make them legal…Do You all of a Sudden WANT to Do Drugs? People do what they WANT to do unless they succumb to societal pressure. Therefore, until a person doesn’t WANT to cheat, they WILL. I hear people say they want to stop cheating but they can’t…that is because they really don’t want to stop. That is just something that seems like the right thing to say. They may genuinely feel bad about it but that doesn’t mean they want to stop. They feel BAD about the ACT, but GOOD about the ACTION.

The reality is that Most Men even think “All Men Cheat”, which translates into Most Men Cheat or have Cheated. Let me just make this clear… All Men Don’t Cheat! However, they have to reach Mental Maturity to achieve this feat. Before then, it is like I said in one of my previous blogs… Men offer a relationship for sex and women offer sex for a relationship. These competing priorities are what drive the action that goes on inside the relationship.

Women think men keep cheating because they don’t want to GIVE IN to being committed to a relationship. However, men love relationships; they just don’t want to GIVE UP the things outside the relationship. Women are more willing to GIVE UP other things and commit to the relationship. Men think that once you GIVE IN, then you GIVE UP hanging with the boys, shooting hoops, working out, even flirting, etc. Therefore, men try to get all that in before TRULY committing. They may “GIVE IN” only in title. Since it is only in Title in their minds, they still act single on many things not limited to cheating. These are normally the topics of most arguments couples have.

Immature Men cheat to validate their freedom in their own mind. A lot of times a Man cheat and immediately think to himself afterwards, “Why did I just do That?” Men really crave Free Time more than Cheating. If you listen to a married man talk about the upcoming day that he gets to go out the house; he is as excited as a kid going to Disney World. “Man, this weekend…the wife going out with her girls so I’m free!” You would think he hit the lottery judging by the excitement in his voice. Depending on their maturity level, all men don’t cheat on their “Free Day”, but ALL men look forward to it and do the things they feel they GAVE UP. It could range from golf to hanging with the boys, to strip clubs, to bar hopping. However, More Free Time does not necessarily lead to Less Cheating. Cheating is a choice, Free Time is a desire. Immature Men use Free Time as the Trojan Horse for Cheating.

Since many women would take a man back if he cheated, there isn’t enough consequence for a man to stop. If he is caught and he really cares about her, then he will feel her pain as much as she does and will stop cheating. He will more likely mature and decide he wants something more out of the relationship. On the flip side, generally, a man’s ego will not allow him to stay with a woman who has cheated. He may stay in the relationship in “Title Only” because he doesn’t want anyone else to have her but he quickly moves to the mindset that he is single and act accordingly. He won’t feel guilty about exploiting her for whatever he can at that point. Unless he is at the top of the Mental Maturity scale; he can’t reconcile in himself that it may have been just a single event and NOT a character flaw.

People do make mistakes. So should you take someone back if they CHEAT on you? The only way it will ever work is if you are ABSOLUTELY convinced that it is something that they DID not something that they DO! You have to decide that for YOURSELF and not worry about what other people think. If you have not reached Mental Maturity, then you consume what SOCIETY feeds you until you become FED UP or FULL OF S-H-I-T. You choose!

SURPRISE! ...Let’s Break Up!

I Love You…So Let’s Break Up! That is the hardest thing to do when you Love someone. Many times you are involved in a relationship and everything is going well but out of nowhere …BAM…your feelings change. You don’t know why but you start falling out of love. You have no idea why it happened. It just did. The vibe is not there anymore. It doesn’t have to be caused by a big event like someone got caught cheating. On paper, this is the person you are supposed to be with. They are “perfect” for you and your friends and family would fall out and die if you two weren’t together. At one point, you even felt that way. So why are you feeling like you don’t want to do it anymore?

Everyone has an idea of a “perfect” mate. Then they find a person like that and they fall in love with the “IDEA” of that person and NOT the person. However, very rarely, is that the person that they continue to date. You have to be honest about what is important to YOU…not what is important to MOST people. It is easy to say that I want someone who loves me and treat me nice. Everyone wants that, but is that enough? You have to really be honest with yourself about the things that are important to YOU. Also, what are you willing to give? Is it what your partner values? It is important to know what they think is of value. Like any good negotiation or contract, both parties have to feel like they have proper consideration or value. If you feel you can no longer give that to your partner then the Break Up is the best option.

There has to be a strong vibe or that “something that you like about them” that you can’t express in words. No one else can see that from the outside looking in. That is the difficult part of listening to advice from others because no one has the interaction that you have with your mate. So they really don’t understand anything except what they see or what you told them. They perceive them not treating you right and say “End it” or they may see them treating you like royalty and say you would be a fool to “End it”. Therefore, if you get to the stage where you don’t know if you still want to be in the relationship, you have to counsel yourself. Your feelings for your mate should be RE-GENERATING. If you are at the point of MANUFACTURING feelings for them, it is probably time to go.

This is the worse feeling in the world. You don’t want to “Start Over”. There is no question about if they are COMMITTED to you or not. You are very COMFORTABLE with them. You can’t break up because you don’t have a good enough reason right? Therefore, you prolong the INEVITABLE. You know that you should communicate your feelings and be honest but that is very difficult when you love someone and don’t want to hurt them. Meanwhile, you are BREAKING DOWN as a person because you don’t want to hurt them by BREAKING UP. You love them enough to SACRIFICE your feelings to PROTECT theirs. The problem with this is that YOU are not being fulfilled. You can’t hide unhappiness. You will get questioned more and more by them because they know you well enough to see that you are masking your feelings. They know that your feelings have changed. They genuinely want to know why so they can try and fix it.

Instead of telling them, you start trying to become less available or picking fights for nothing. This is very deceptive. Therefore, they continue to question you about your feelings for reassurance. By this time, every little thing they do starts to annoy you. Eventually, this will get on your nerves to the point where you finally let it out. Unfortunately, that is normally in a negative tone or manner, which hurts them more than if you just sat them down and BROKE IT DOWN.

You should explain to them that your feelings changed even if you don’t know why. At least they have the benefit of knowing that it wasn’t anything they done specifically. If they feel they have given all that they had and it still wasn’t enough, they can rest easier knowing they didn’t personally mess it up. People can’t handle DECEPTION as well as TRUTH. Staying with someone because you love the IDEA of them is quite frankly, a BAD IDEA!

Woman a Success…Relationship a Mess

I think Successful Women get a bad rap. I have dated women from actresses to doctors, lawyers, corporate execs and entrepreneurs. I haven’t found that they are any more “Bossy” than the customer service reps or administrative assistants that I have dated. In fact, I would argue that the Successful Women downplay too much their position because they don’t want to scare anyone off. This causes them to act less natural which is the biggest turnoff for me. The same is in reverse for the customer service reps and administrative assistants. They tend to overcompensate for the sake of not wanting to be treated like a second class citizen.

It is the easy answer to say that Successful Women can’t keep a relationship because they don’t know how to turn it off at home. People are people. Their position at work has nothing to do with their position in a relationship. Your job doesn’t define you. If you are a “Bossy” person who has to be right all the time, it has nothing to do with your job. It really depends on what “role” or “position” you strive to play in relationships. I know plenty of executive males that don’t make one decision when they get home. Their wives run the house and they will let you know it. It is amazing to go to a corporate get together and see the head man of your company being pulled around by this woman who hasn’t worked in years.

A successful man doesn’t have to downplay his success. He is usually playing it up because it is ok or almost required for a man to be very successful in our society. He is supposed to be the bread-winner and provide “security” to the relationship. On the flip side, if a woman does this, she is somehow “impossible” to get along with. Therefore, she tries her best to make it a non-issue.

Unfortunately, the Successful Woman has a pre-conceived image of “Bossy” before they say a word. This idea has been cultivated by so much conversation and attention about this topic in the media and any barbershop you go in. This is what drives the conversation from the man as well as her answers to questions in general conversation. Successful Women tend to have the pre-conceived notion that all men are “intimidated” by them because they make a lot of money. This is another myth. Any man who is intimidated by a woman because she makes more money than him has self-esteem issues and probably wouldn’t make a good mate for a woman who is successful. She would have to act unsuccessful to cater to his insecurities. While men do have big egos and want to be “The Man”, this can be fulfilled without having financial prowess. It takes a more mature Man to realize that. Successful women put too much stock into the notion that men need to feel financially empowered in the relationship.

This is the real reason that Successful Women don’t have Successful Relationships. She is trying to wear a mask upfront but no one is fooled. The man already “thinks” he knows who she is just by her job. Therefore, he adjusts his mask to fit that idea. Most of the time, Successful Women are not themselves upfront and most men they meet are trying to Compete vs. Complete them. All Successful Women can’t be generalized into a category no more than all Not So Successful Women can. If people be themselves upfront, they will attract the right person for them regardless of what they do for a living. It is possible to be Successful and Sexy simultaneously. "SucSexy" is my term for it. Your Career is your Choice…Your Character is your Voice!

“Ring The Belle”

“If you like it then you shoulda put a Ring on It”. That song is catchy but is it true? When should you get married?

Why doesn’t marriage have a better success rate? I hear a lot of people start to talk about the things that go on INSIDE the marriage. “They changed…or they didn’t change!” “I expected This but That happened.” “They are never home.” “They don’t cook.” All of these are things that are perceived to have happened after the wedding. However, I believe, in order to answer any problem you have to get to the ROOT CAUSE. Therefore, I think the root cause is that people get married for the wrong reason. Got pregnant, long term relationship and it was time, they got “good” hair and green eyes, to stop someone from cheating, don’t want anybody else to have them, the idea of a big wedding , clock running out, wanna have kids, tired of being alone, financial security…etc. All of those start with being selfish. Nothing is about the union. Most people get married with the mindset that if it doesn’t work, divorce is always an option. No one goes in thinking that they will get divorced but many don’t think that they CAN’T get divorced either. That is the issue. If you knew you couldn’t get out of it…would you still make the same decision to get married? Many of the things couples complain about INSIDE the marriage were very evident before the wedding.

If you think you are tired of cheating…then STOP CHEATING. However, that is NOT a good reason to get married. Marriage won’t magically make you stop cheating. Marriage won’t necessarily make you less available to potential suitors. There are plenty of people who exclusively DATE married people. If you are not 100% committed then the relationship won’t work. You should look forward to seeing your mate even after the honeymoon stage. That should be the one part of your day that you can count on being at peace and happy. Of course there will be disagreements and some "Bad Times" but if you feel compelled to hold a grudge and can’t resolve conflict with your mate, then you probably are not with the right mate. You should always be DRIVING toward the Good Times vs. Getting Dropped Off at the Bad Times. If your “Core” doesn’t match your mate’s, then when you both change and grow …it will probably be in opposite directions. If you realize that you have casted a SUPPORTING actor for a LEADING role... Must the Show Really Go On?

Marriage should start with God since it is a Holy union by origin and definition. If you are not into that part of it then “Shack Up”. Why expose yourself to the potential emotional and financial hardship if you don’t think about it from a spiritual standpoint. Most of the time, you do the same things anyway. Not many of us are virgins when we decide to get married or even virgins to our mate. Nothing changes but last names and sometimes addresses. The rest is all about the financial and societal expectations.

If you are not spiritual and can’t convince your mate that marriage is only for the spiritual people, your marriage can still work if you are really COMMITTED to your mate and the relationship. Just know that you are getting married because of SOCIETY’s expectations and NOT your own. You have to be willing to make sacrifices in all relationships. Therefore, don’t throw away your, otherwise, “perfect” relationship with the person you feel you can spend the rest of your life with for “technicalities”. By all means, get married and live happy. There are many relationships that survive that don’t put God first. For the sake of not turning this into a spiritual argument…let’s just say that is by the GRACE of GOD that those work. This is evidenced by the fact that many unstable relationships tend to get better later in life when one or both people find their connection to GOD.

Commitment vs. Committed

Commitment is a temporary event. Committed is a lifestyle or way of life. People think that if you have never been married then you are AFRAID of commitment. Is the goal to at least say you done it before? There are plenty of people who will commit in “TITLE ONLY” and continue to act single. What about the “Path of Least Resistance” person who has been married a few times but can’t seem to stay married? They are not afraid of commitment but are they afraid of being committed?

Many people think that a person who has been married is, somehow, a better catch than someone who hasn’t. Why? Because they have demonstrated that they would at least do it, therefore, they go to the head of the class. Everyone who hasn’t been married, regardless of their age, isn’t unwilling to commit. Maybe they haven’t found anyone worth committing to that they feel would last forever. Forever is a long time.

A lot of people get married with the mindset that if it doesn’t work, divorce is ALWAYS an option. No one goes in thinking that they WILL get divorced but many don’t think that they CAN’T get divorced either. That is the issue. If you knew you couldn’t get out of it…you would probably make a better decision up front and you would definitely be much more committed to make it work. You should make sure it is right up front. If you go in thinking divorce is NOT an option, you would make very different decisions or at least get a few things clear BEFORE tying the knot then hanging from it.

While I do know there ARE people who are afraid of commitment, however, it is NOT solely based on if they have been married or not. There should be numerous examples that show you if your partner is COMMITTED to you and the relationship or not. How well you resolve conflict with them. Are things that are important to you getting the proper attention they deserve in the relationship. Are agreed upon goals being met? Don’t confuse Effort with Effectiveness. Trial and Error is the worse and most time consuming method of reaching success!

Commit or Admit… Damn It!

Have you been out with someone lately but you can’t figure out if it was a “Date” or a “Hang”? You are interested in getting to know them but have no idea if they are interested in the same. You talk daily or at least every other day. You occasionally “get together”. You may or may not have sex with them depending on your level of comfort. While I do know sex can send a huge mixed signal, I don’t want that to be the focus of this topic so you can fill in that blank. The main thing is that you don’t really know if you are dating or just hanging because there is no clear evidence that lead either way. This is a topic that I have been hearing more and more from my female friends lately but I have definitely experienced this myself as well.

This is what I call the Passive-Aggressive stage. You have a great time when you are together and act as if you have been dating for years. Your time commitment is high but your emotional commitment is on the fence because you are unsure of their intentions or interest. At any point you feel like it can go either way to the “Friend Zone” or the “End Zone” (in terms of a Touchdown..not ending the relationship). However, you don’t want to press it and possibly end the “good times” because of a misunderstanding. But you really want to know which direction to go next.

The best thing is to clearly state your intentions and deal with the fallout. If the person wants the same thing then the relationship can take off. If they don’t want the same thing or are unsure at that stage then at least they know that they are confusing you and will act accordingly to mitigate that. It may be they spend less time or they may spend more “focused” time with you. “Focused” time can be more friendship hanging or more intimate hanging but it will definitely be one or the other. No one wants to be pulled into uncomfortable conversations about someone that they like hanging with or dating. Therefore, it will be the last conversation about that then their actions should show you if they are interested in the same things as you or not. “Actions Speak Louder Than Words” is only true after you have had Words About Someone’s Actions. Before then, it could be that no one wanted to take the first step and be wrong about the other person’s intentions or interest. This can be very humiliating to the bold one. It may be that the other person doesn’t want a relationship but enjoy your company. Unfortunately, it may mean that they are juggling too many things at once. (Not limited to other people, could be work, kids, stress, etc)

You should always feel comfortable asking someone to COMMIT to telling you their level of interest or ADMIT that that they only want a friend. Now they may not be ready to commit to a relationship yet but they should at least know if they are interested in that with you at some point. Also, you should always make them comfortable enough to let you know if they change their mind.

“Rather than love, than money, than fame, give me TRUTH.” – Henry David Thoreau

Will you Respect me in the Morning?

The biggest myth that I hear from women is that “Playing Hard to Get“ will make a man respect them. No MAN respects a woman JUST because she is “Playing Hard to Get”. If a man want to have sex with a woman bad enough he will wait out the “Sex Moratorium” you put on. Generally, Men will keep in touch with you but most men won’t commit to much until after sex. It is like the validation of a woman’s real interest in him.

I think too much credit is given to the correlation between Sex and Respect. They are really mutually exclusive. There are many successful relationships that sex happened quickly. As well as, there are many unsuccessful relationships that sex didn’t happen until later. It really comes back to the intentions of the people going in. If both are on the same page about what they want then the relationship has a better chance of survival. When they have sex, has absolutely nothing to do with it unless it is a sexual relationship. It really depends on the sexual nature of the people involved.

If one or both are very “intimate/sexual” people then waiting for sex will only prolong the advancement of the relationship, if not, kill it altogether. It could die because sex is such an important part of a relationship to those people that they lose interest in the long-term possibility. Sexually incompatible people can work, however, one person will have to be willing to conform. This can only happen if the conforming person realizes that sex is not the ONLY part of a relationship and the other parts are fulfilled.

That is the main point. Sex is only PART of a relationship. People tend to make it bigger than it is. Women hold sex as the last line of defense…men hold conversation and time as the last line of defense. That is the “Great Stalemate”. Typically, A woman is saying “Why would I give you sex and you don’t give me time?” A man’s stance is “Why would I spend all my time with you and you don’t give me sex?” When that “trade-off” is in balance, relationships tend to be able to grow because the other things finally get the attention they need.

Intentions: What are yours?

The TRUTH is the best and easiest GAME to play. Often times when people first meet they send their REPRESENTATIVES or they do what is called wear a MASK. Why? Because no one wants to reveal themselves too early. However, Men and Women have very different reasons for this.

Men’s reasoning is they don’t want to “squander” any possible outcome from the very beginning by talking too much. The desired outcome varies with the stage of MENTAL MATURITY of the man. It ranges from possibly having SEX, another date, potential relationship, a trophy piece to show your boys…etc. You don’t want to be seen as a PLAYA or a PUSHOVER.

Women’s reasoning is they don’t want to “scare off” a man up front by telling too much. Depending on their MENTAL MATURITY their desired outcome varies as well. It’s mostly to see how much they can get from a man before revealing their intentions. Immature women typically look for material things…i.e. money, handbags, jewelry, shopping sprees. This is evident as lots of younger women desire to date street pharmacists, older dudes or athletes/entertainers exclusively. More mature women look for more emotional things like honesty, commitment, faithfulness, security, emotional stimulation….etc. However, you don’t want to seem like a GOLD DIGGER or a DESPERATE WOMAN.

The problem with hiding your true intentions upfront is you attract the WRONG person. Eventually, everybody comes back to the MIDDLE. Meaning that you will have to “Be Yourself” at some point. No one desires to keep up a façade forever. However, by that time, you have already established your “REPRESENTATIVE” as the Perfect Mate. Now you start “Keeping it Real” and wonder why the relationship is falling apart or you decide you want the relationship to end and wonder why the other person won’t leave you alone.

YOU convinced them that you were an A student by scoring 100% on everything up front. Now you want to convince them that you are really a D student in a matter of weeks. If you didn’t have long term INTENTIONS….70% is passing! The myth is that you wouldn’t be able to get what you want if you tell your true intentions upfront.

The Truth Shall Set You Free is accurate in more ways than one. There is an unmatched RESPECT that you receive by telling the TRUTH. Therefore, more times than not, you would be able to get as much or more by clearly stating your true intentions. After you get to a point of realizing that the relationship will not work…it is much easier to “be set free” or end it using facts. Men and Women Respect the Truth. It is much harder to believe what you “thought” was true is a lie. That is why breakups are so hard.

The Currency of Sex!

Until MENTAL MATURITY sets in, SEX is the currency for valuation of a Man's SELF WORTH...More Women..More Value!!...AGE is NOT the key component for MENTAL MATURITY...Men of all ages can be stuck in a state of ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT...whereas, they want to stay at the stage of their lives where they mattered most or viewed themselves the best...typically determined by the stage where they were able to get the most SEX!

Working Too Hard on Your Relationship?

If you are WORKING HARD on your relationship...it will be HARD for your relationship to WORK!...You should be with someone whose "core" matches yours...Relationships should be mostly NATURAL...You should WORK through differences of opinion...NOT through differences of character!

Competing Priorities - Topic 2

GENERALLY...women mature quicker than men in terms of being ready for a relationship...so if they mostly date men their age...they will have been hurt so much by the age of 25-30 that they START to lose their belief in LOVE...Ironically around the same age men start to want LOVE... Ladies guards start going up and Men's guards start coming down...Again... Competing priorities

Competing Priorities - Topic 1

Until both are mature enough for a real relationship...the cycle goes like this: Women offer sex for a relationship...Men offer a relationship for sex!!! Classic case of competing priorities!!!