Should you be friends first before you date? The popular answer to this is YES. However, I don’t believe in that at all. I think you should always clearly state your intentions upfront. I think the relationship should progress through the natural stages with everyone knowing what the other wishes the outcome to be. A friend and a lover are two different types of relationships that will have different dynamics. You treat your friends differently than you treat your mate. If you start out thinking I am just going to make everyone my friend and then choose from that pool who I will make my mate; that may send mixed signals if you have an upfront attraction for the person you choose.
People try to be “Friends First” because they feel that they can be more honest upfront with a friend vs. someone they want to date. That is the problem with immature dating. If you are honest from the beginning then your relationship has a much greater chance of survival because no one has to feel like the other person changed. It is difficult to do this in dating because everyone wants to be liked and want it to work so they compromise their feelings/thoughts until they get to know someone better. In reality, you are not getting to know them better because they are cautiously only giving you information that they want you to know. Also, it is not you that they are liking, it is only the portion of you that you revealed.
It is a myth to believe that someone who is your friend can all of a sudden become your mate. You can’t flip a switch and dial up some emotions and feelings. If you are attracted to someone, you will always be on your most attractive behavior regardless if you are dating that person or not. This is because in the back of your mind you feel that one day you two may be together. You get to listen to all their problems with their relationship and gain insight to what they like and don’t like and use that at the appropriate time to show them that you are the right person for them. In reality, you could be wearing a bigger mask than the person they just start dating without the friendship. Once again, you are only showing them the part of you that you want them to see. So you get in a relationship with them and it is great at first until you start to act like you would in a relationship vs. a friendship. The little things that didn’t matter if they were just your friend start to matter now.
I’m not saying that it can’t happen but a lot of times it does not unless the intentions were stated upfront and maybe timing just wasn’t right. I know a couple that were friends first and then got married and are still together. However, he wanted to date her from the beginning and let her know his intentions upfront. She was in a relationship at the time and he respected that and became her friend but when the opportunity presented itself, he took it and the rest is history. My point is that he always wanted her to be his mate. He took the friendship to stay relevant until the time was right.
I believe that relationships can work if people are honest in the beginning. You shouldn’t have to Trick them with friendship to get the Treat of a relationship. You should take your time to get to know someone but you have to define how you are trying to get to know them…as a friend or potential lover. If you are compatible and your "Cores" are matched, then your lover will be your friend. You build your friendship as you build your relationship. Friends FIRST normally don’t LAST!
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Amen on the analysis. I married my best friend and the marriage did not last, not even long. Since I've been single again, I go with the attraction, if it feels like I friendship, I leave it there, if it feels like more, I follow it where it takes me. I agree on dynamics. Emotional and sexual chemistry can erode a "natural friendship", they don't go together. Not to say that you can’t be friends with your lover or spouse, but the dynamics are different. When you are aware of what you want and you approach the situation from a standpoint of awareness and certainty, (assuming both of you can do this) there should be a greater chance for success because you’re not wasting time and hurting feelings making u-turns. However, if you get in too deep, too fast, that can be a disaster, too. You have to find a mutual understanding, which takes honesty and presence of mind (and heart) and then a sensitivity to find a mutual pace for the relationship to develop along. I think most of the problem is that most people don’t know what they want. Most people just fly blind but unlike bats, they don’t have the sonic ability to guide themselves. If you don’t know what you want, you wouldn’t know it if it were right in your face. And if it is right in your face, “What are you going to do then?”. Know what you want, find it and figure out how to hold onto it while staying honest. Because it’s not right for you, if you can’t be you and have it be right. One of my favorite quotes is - “Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.” - Dr. Seuss. The catch is, being faithful to yourself, even when you know your heart is going to break because you have to let that person go who does mind. THAT is maturity, emotional maturity. I don’t trust anyone who is not true to themselves. If a man can’t be faithful to himself, how can I expect him to be faithful to me.
ReplyDeleteAmen on the analysis. I married my best friend and the marriage did not last, not even long. Since I've been single again, I go with the attraction, if it feels like I friendship, I leave it there, if it feels like more, I follow it where it takes me. I agree on dynamics. Emotional and sexual chemistry can erode a "natural friendship", they don't go together. Not to say that you can’t be friends with your lover or spouse, but the dynamics are different. When you are aware of what you want and you approach the situation from a standpoint of awareness and certainty, (assuming both of you can do this) there should be a greater chance for success because you’re not wasting time and hurting feelings making u-turns. However, if you get in too deep, too fast, that can be a disaster, too. You have to find a mutual understanding, which takes honesty and presence of mind (and heart) and then a sensitivity to find a mutual pace for the relationship to develop along. I think most of the problem is that most people don’t know what they want. Most people just fly blind but unlike bats, they don’t have the sonic ability to guide themselves. If you don’t know what you want, you wouldn’t know it if it were right in your face. And if it is right in your face, “What are you going to do then?”. Know what you want, find it and figure out how to hold onto it while staying honest. Because it’s not right for you, if you can’t be you and have it be right. One of my favorite quotes is - “Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.” - Dr. Seuss. The catch is, being faithful to yourself, even when you know your heart is going to break because you have to let that person go is VERY DIFFICULT. THAT is maturity, emotional maturity. I don’t trust anyone who is not true to themselves. If a man can’t be faithful to himself, how can I expect him to be faithful to me. (And that is a statement, not a question.)
ReplyDeletePersonally, I don't think that it's possible to be a true friend with someone of the opposite sex and then expect to date and become a successful couple. Don't get me wrong, I am sure that it has happened before. What I'm saying is that this is not something that is typical or something that should be recommended. I think that it is somewhat reckless to get involved with someone of the opposite sex that you consider to be a close friend. You may feel that he or she is the perfect person for you because of how the two of you can just talk about everything and that he or she just "gets it" or "gets you"....well, if you think about it, that's why you all get along so well....reality hasn't been interjected just yet and the fantasy world is a wonderful place to get along. A dose of reality will really test just how strong that bond of friendship is when you cross into the aisle of relationship. The person you thought was so perfect because of how well the two of you got along now becomes a MAJOR disappointment when the first REAL disagreement/argument comes along. It hurts even more because this person was supposed to be your friend...now all of a sudden, you don't know who this person is at all!!
ReplyDeleteI say this simply because of the kinds of interactions that you have from the level of a friendship to the level of a relationship. Men have their boys to talk to and to hang out with. We talk about everything and can act like men act because we have that one major thing in common...we are all men. Same thing goes for women and their "girls"...the interactions will always be different on some level than their discussions/interactions with their "boy". When we are friends with a female, although we can hang out, talk, laugh, etc., there is always going to be that "what if" in the back of our minds....and that goes both ways, for women and for men. If you have a so-called best-friend of the opposite sex, that means that you have plenty in common and love to hang out and talk because of that comfort level of being friends. The pressure of a relationship is completely different.
A friendship is nowhere near the level of work that a romantic relationship is and again, once you cross the aisle into the relationship category, you have just forever changed the dynamic of your friendship. The laughs you shared as friends have now become replaced with, or at least interrupted by the reality of major disagreements, different types of heartfelt feelings (feelings that hadn't surfaced or had been easily suppressed as friends) and other outside pressures that you had not faced when you were just friends.
I believe that as a couple you can BECOME best friends. In my humble opinion, it can be built from within the relationship, not before it. In getting to know your best friend from inside of the relationship, you avoid the inevitable confusion that will occur by dating your best friend when that proverbial "shoe" drops, the honeymoon ends and you REALLY get a chance to see how your best friend reacts to issues under the pressure of a relationship. Each of you is now in possession of inside information about each other because of the sharing each of you did with one another when you were just friends. Many of the things that the two of you shared about your past relationships as friends is now used against each of you during the heat of an argument because of that change from friendship to relationship. Personally, I think that the level of disappointment that you may experience with your partner is somewhat lessened when you are growing as friends together from within the marriage, and not before. There is a level of unmatched betrayal that may be experienced due to that inside information being used as a weapon against you by the person you considered to be "THAT" friend, your "BOY', your "GIRL". You may have thought that you were equipped to handle the relationship with your friend, but you forgot that the relationship includes more than just laughs and hugs...it now includes laughs, hugs, sex, arguments, finances, children (possibly), friends, families, etc.....
ReplyDeleteWhat I am saying is that if you have a best opposite sex friend, let them remain just that because you can never have too many of those....they are few...cherish THAT relationship. Be very careful not to allow that friendship to be mistaken and/or fantasized as the perfect mate, more often than not it isn't.