Pass on the Past?

When you are in a new relationship should you “Pass on” the past experiences you have had with others to your new suitor or should you “Pass on” giving that information to them? This is a question that many people have when they start to get past the “Passive-Aggressive” stage of dating and start thinking longer term. Your mind starts racing with questions of “Will they respect me if they knew What type of things I have tried... or How Many people I have been with... or Which people I have been with...etc” On one hand you feel so close to them and want to take the “Don’t Have Anything to Hide” stance, but on the other hand you feel that your past is just that…“Past” and no longer relevant, so you want to take the “Don’t Have Anything to Gain” stance. Depending on how many artifacts are in your “Closet”, the answer can vary.

Most people are attracted to someone because of what they believe that person to be like when they meet them. As time goes on, people start to share more of themselves with each other and become closer. As long as no one is “acting”, but being themselves upfront, the relationship will continue until either or both parties believe that they have seen enough and determine if it is or isn’t going to work. If we lived in a world where everyone minded their own business and relationships had no outside interferences, this is what would happen naturally between the two people. Unfortunately, there are plenty of what I call “Gossip Historians” out there ready to “preserve” YOUR past. These are the people who feel it is their duty is to inform any and everyone who will listen about the scoop on other people’s past and they often don’t let facts get in the way of a good story. Therefore, your past relationship experiences may come up to your mate without you being in control of how it is being presented.

The “Don’t Have Anything to Hide” stance is very noble and brave and could lead to a better or worse relationship. You may share a past experience you had with someone else which may be something your new mate had been nervous to ask you to do with them. This may open up new doors and emotions for this relationship. This could also be detrimental if that was an experimental act and you have no desire to do it again. Your mate may start taking it personal that someone else was able to share that with you but you won’t let them. This would be a very immature reaction and a sign that your mate may have not reached Mental Maturity yet. This would lead you to the stance of “Don’t Have Anything to Gain”. Therefore, proceed with caution on “What” and “How much” you share with them.

Your relationship should always be forward looking and it should have room to grow as both of you grow. When sharing your past, you should always ask yourself the question, “What is the relevance of what I am sharing?” You absolutely should share your past if it could be harmful to your mate’s future. This would include anything that would harm their health or family situation. For example, if you have an incurable disease that can be passed on or if you have slept with their family member or best friend then you should share this information. While these things happened in the past, they can have lingering or damaging future consequences for your mate. However, you shouldn't share things that you perceive would be detrimental to their “reputation” or potential relationships with other people that are in their extended circle.

You should try to anticipate your mate’s reaction to any past information you share. If they are mature enough to understand that you are sharing for “Entertainment Purposes Only”, then go ahead and have fun and share some less relevant experiences. Your mate is learning and falling for the person you are NOW, NOT who you were BEFORE. If anything you have done in the past will NOT affect the future relationship, it is probably best NOT to share. PASS ON your past for GROWTH not GOSSIP.

Does Monogamy mean Monopoly?

Does being in a committed relationship mean that you have to spend ALL of your time with your mate? Should you lose your friends and hobbies that you had “Pre-Monogamy”? Many people think that you have to give up everything that you like INDIVIDUALLY to make the MUTUAL relationship work. Many people lose themselves or their identity when they get into a committed relationship. We all have seen the person (or am the person) who disappears when they get involved in a committed relationship. No return calls… No emails… No Facebook or Twitter updates. They have all their friends trying to dig in the crates to remember if they did something or said something that offended them the last time they spoke or seen each other. But soon as their relationship is over they become pests and you can’t get rid of them because they don’t know what the world is like without a mate. Therefore, you are the “temporary fun” until they find another mate.

Relationships should occur Naturally and your behavior inside a relationship should be an extension of who you Naturally are. Therefore, if you played golf or went shopping every Thursday with your friends “Pre-Monogamy” then the relationship shouldn’t hinder you from still playing or shopping. Your hobbies are just as much a part of YOU as your conversation and romantic actions are. If you start eliminating them then you really lose a part of yourself. At some point after the “Euphoric” stage you will start to MISS doing those things and potentially MISPLACE the blame on the relationship when it really was you who made the decision to stop. Although, if your hobbies are detrimental to the relationship because they are “Single-Person” focused; then you need to eliminate those. For instance, if you spent all your free time LOOKING for a mate then you shouldn’t have a problem eliminating those actions when you are fortunate enough to FIND a mate. Going to the club or events trying to “Catch” is a problem. Meeting friends at the club or events trying to “Catch Up” shouldn’t be a problem if that is something that you like to do.

There is a difference between being an INDIVIDUAL and being SINGLE. You can be an INDIVIDUAL and still be in a Monogamous relationship…you can NOT be SINGLE and have a Monogamous relationship. That hasn’t stopped people from trying though. “In a Relationship but It’s Complicated” and “I Only Have a Friend” are a few examples of this nonsense. That is NOT a RELATIONSHIP…that is a “RELATIONS”ship. (Will blog on that separately) The point is this, you can and should do things that you may like to do that your mate does not. It is healthy for every relationship to have some “Me” time. That “Me” time can be filled with pursuing your INDIVIDUAL goals or your INDIVIDUAL hobbies that you feel will enhance or just maintain who YOU are. Of course you have to make time for the relationship and if you spend ALL of your free time golfing or shopping; then you probably don’t have time for a relationship. If you are in the right Monogamous relationship then you should NATURALLY want to do things together which shouldn’t feel like your time is being Monopolized. Be smart about it though… Don’t let the LOVE of your “PRE-Monogamy” actions end the LOVE in your relationship “PRE-Mature”!

Platonic Friends…Titanic Problems

Can women and men have platonic friends that are attractive? Just ask someone and depending on how they answer this question is your answer. Platonic friendships are possible but not possible for everyone. If you ask someone if they could be friends with someone attractive from the opposite sex; MOST women would say YES but MOST men would say NO. Why? Do women say YES because men are normally the aggressor and if a guy hasn’t tried to blatantly date them, then women will call them a friend and keep it moving? Do men say NO because Men are more visual/physical beings and think they will always want to be more than friends if the chick is hot enough?

There may be some truth to both of those but I don’t believe those are the main reasons. I think there are 2 types of MEN. Those who are “CHICK MOTIVATED” and those who are NOT. CHICK MOTIVATED men are guys who base everything they do around being able to get CHICKS. Therefore, if you ask them if they could have an attractive platonic friend, they answer NO, if they are being honest. They can’t ever see themselves not being with that person, regardless of the circumstances. These are normally the guys that other men wouldn’t leave alone around their women. Not that they are trying to be DISRESPECTFUL , they just feel the need to exhaust all options before they give up. They can’t be in a platonic friendship because they are not interested in being friends with anyone that they are attracted to because their whole motivation is to score. They plan their day around it.

Women can be “DUDE MOTIVATED” too. They typically plan their day around how to attract men. They typically don’t do “Girls Night Out” unless it involves being somewhere available men will be. They are usually on a date when the girls want to get together and go see the new Sex In The City movie. They normally don’t have any money when it’s time to go wine tasting with the girls…etc. DUDE MOTIVATED women will answer NO to the attractive platonic friend question as well.

Men and Women can have attractive platonic friends if they are mature enough to realize that they don’t have to score with everyone they are attracted to and realize that having a good friend is invaluable regardless of what they look like. It takes a while for men to realize this because men are more visual than women. Also, until men mature, they don’t really care about the long-term outcome as long as they score in the short-term. Women are typically a little more future focused and can restrain from their physical attraction desires until they are convinced it won’t just be a booty call or one night stand. However, there are women who only look to score as well.

The other hindrance to platonic friendships is if either is in a committed relationship. Their mate can cause lots of problems if they don’t trust them. They mask this by saying they trust you but they don’t trust the platonic friend. This is impossible because if you trust your mate, it shouldn’t matter if the other person is untrustworthy. You have to trust that your mate will make the proper decision when you are not around. The other caveat is that if you feel you can have platonic friends, then it shouldn’t be a problem for your mate to have them as well. People who don’t want their mate to have platonic friends are people who can’t have them themselves. If you know that you can’t TRUST YOURSELF then you shouldn’t PUT YOURSELF in that situation. Therefore, attractive platonic friends should be off limits for you. You have to be HONEST with YOURSELF. When you mature you realize… The Make-Up of a friend that makes them ATTRACTIVE is not what they put on their face!

SHE SAY HE’S JUST A FRIEND

Should you be friends first before you date? The popular answer to this is YES. However, I don’t believe in that at all. I think you should always clearly state your intentions upfront. I think the relationship should progress through the natural stages with everyone knowing what the other wishes the outcome to be. A friend and a lover are two different types of relationships that will have different dynamics. You treat your friends differently than you treat your mate. If you start out thinking I am just going to make everyone my friend and then choose from that pool who I will make my mate; that may send mixed signals if you have an upfront attraction for the person you choose.

People try to be “Friends First” because they feel that they can be more honest upfront with a friend vs. someone they want to date. That is the problem with immature dating. If you are honest from the beginning then your relationship has a much greater chance of survival because no one has to feel like the other person changed. It is difficult to do this in dating because everyone wants to be liked and want it to work so they compromise their feelings/thoughts until they get to know someone better. In reality, you are not getting to know them better because they are cautiously only giving you information that they want you to know. Also, it is not you that they are liking, it is only the portion of you that you revealed.

It is a myth to believe that someone who is your friend can all of a sudden become your mate. You can’t flip a switch and dial up some emotions and feelings. If you are attracted to someone, you will always be on your most attractive behavior regardless if you are dating that person or not. This is because in the back of your mind you feel that one day you two may be together. You get to listen to all their problems with their relationship and gain insight to what they like and don’t like and use that at the appropriate time to show them that you are the right person for them. In reality, you could be wearing a bigger mask than the person they just start dating without the friendship. Once again, you are only showing them the part of you that you want them to see. So you get in a relationship with them and it is great at first until you start to act like you would in a relationship vs. a friendship. The little things that didn’t matter if they were just your friend start to matter now.

I’m not saying that it can’t happen but a lot of times it does not unless the intentions were stated upfront and maybe timing just wasn’t right. I know a couple that were friends first and then got married and are still together. However, he wanted to date her from the beginning and let her know his intentions upfront. She was in a relationship at the time and he respected that and became her friend but when the opportunity presented itself, he took it and the rest is history. My point is that he always wanted her to be his mate. He took the friendship to stay relevant until the time was right.

I believe that relationships can work if people are honest in the beginning. You shouldn’t have to Trick them with friendship to get the Treat of a relationship. You should take your time to get to know someone but you have to define how you are trying to get to know them…as a friend or potential lover. If you are compatible and your "Cores" are matched, then your lover will be your friend. You build your friendship as you build your relationship. Friends FIRST normally don’t LAST!

I Cheated…So what! I mean…So what now?

The answer to that is typically, very different for men vs. women. Our society is almost to the point where a man is EXPECTED to cheat. In fact, MOST Women think “All Men Cheat”. So there is a mindset that “As long as he do everything else and don’t put it in my face, then Whatever!” Many women would stay with a man if he is caught cheating. Therefore, many Men truly believe that they can’t stop cheating since it is accepted. Instead of working on ways to be loyal they work on ways not to get caught or “put it in her face”. This is a very immature reaction. If you don’t WANT to do drugs but they make them legal…Do You all of a Sudden WANT to Do Drugs? People do what they WANT to do unless they succumb to societal pressure. Therefore, until a person doesn’t WANT to cheat, they WILL. I hear people say they want to stop cheating but they can’t…that is because they really don’t want to stop. That is just something that seems like the right thing to say. They may genuinely feel bad about it but that doesn’t mean they want to stop. They feel BAD about the ACT, but GOOD about the ACTION.

The reality is that Most Men even think “All Men Cheat”, which translates into Most Men Cheat or have Cheated. Let me just make this clear… All Men Don’t Cheat! However, they have to reach Mental Maturity to achieve this feat. Before then, it is like I said in one of my previous blogs… Men offer a relationship for sex and women offer sex for a relationship. These competing priorities are what drive the action that goes on inside the relationship.

Women think men keep cheating because they don’t want to GIVE IN to being committed to a relationship. However, men love relationships; they just don’t want to GIVE UP the things outside the relationship. Women are more willing to GIVE UP other things and commit to the relationship. Men think that once you GIVE IN, then you GIVE UP hanging with the boys, shooting hoops, working out, even flirting, etc. Therefore, men try to get all that in before TRULY committing. They may “GIVE IN” only in title. Since it is only in Title in their minds, they still act single on many things not limited to cheating. These are normally the topics of most arguments couples have.

Immature Men cheat to validate their freedom in their own mind. A lot of times a Man cheat and immediately think to himself afterwards, “Why did I just do That?” Men really crave Free Time more than Cheating. If you listen to a married man talk about the upcoming day that he gets to go out the house; he is as excited as a kid going to Disney World. “Man, this weekend…the wife going out with her girls so I’m free!” You would think he hit the lottery judging by the excitement in his voice. Depending on their maturity level, all men don’t cheat on their “Free Day”, but ALL men look forward to it and do the things they feel they GAVE UP. It could range from golf to hanging with the boys, to strip clubs, to bar hopping. However, More Free Time does not necessarily lead to Less Cheating. Cheating is a choice, Free Time is a desire. Immature Men use Free Time as the Trojan Horse for Cheating.

Since many women would take a man back if he cheated, there isn’t enough consequence for a man to stop. If he is caught and he really cares about her, then he will feel her pain as much as she does and will stop cheating. He will more likely mature and decide he wants something more out of the relationship. On the flip side, generally, a man’s ego will not allow him to stay with a woman who has cheated. He may stay in the relationship in “Title Only” because he doesn’t want anyone else to have her but he quickly moves to the mindset that he is single and act accordingly. He won’t feel guilty about exploiting her for whatever he can at that point. Unless he is at the top of the Mental Maturity scale; he can’t reconcile in himself that it may have been just a single event and NOT a character flaw.

People do make mistakes. So should you take someone back if they CHEAT on you? The only way it will ever work is if you are ABSOLUTELY convinced that it is something that they DID not something that they DO! You have to decide that for YOURSELF and not worry about what other people think. If you have not reached Mental Maturity, then you consume what SOCIETY feeds you until you become FED UP or FULL OF S-H-I-T. You choose!