Have you been out with someone lately but you can’t figure out if it was a “Date” or a “Hang”? You are interested in getting to know them but have no idea if they are interested in the same. You talk daily or at least every other day. You occasionally “get together”. You may or may not have sex with them depending on your level of comfort. While I do know sex can send a huge mixed signal, I don’t want that to be the focus of this topic so you can fill in that blank. The main thing is that you don’t really know if you are dating or just hanging because there is no clear evidence that lead either way. This is a topic that I have been hearing more and more from my female friends lately but I have definitely experienced this myself as well.
This is what I call the Passive-Aggressive stage. You have a great time when you are together and act as if you have been dating for years. Your time commitment is high but your emotional commitment is on the fence because you are unsure of their intentions or interest. At any point you feel like it can go either way to the “Friend Zone” or the “End Zone” (in terms of a Touchdown..not ending the relationship). However, you don’t want to press it and possibly end the “good times” because of a misunderstanding. But you really want to know which direction to go next.
The best thing is to clearly state your intentions and deal with the fallout. If the person wants the same thing then the relationship can take off. If they don’t want the same thing or are unsure at that stage then at least they know that they are confusing you and will act accordingly to mitigate that. It may be they spend less time or they may spend more “focused” time with you. “Focused” time can be more friendship hanging or more intimate hanging but it will definitely be one or the other. No one wants to be pulled into uncomfortable conversations about someone that they like hanging with or dating. Therefore, it will be the last conversation about that then their actions should show you if they are interested in the same things as you or not. “Actions Speak Louder Than Words” is only true after you have had Words About Someone’s Actions. Before then, it could be that no one wanted to take the first step and be wrong about the other person’s intentions or interest. This can be very humiliating to the bold one. It may be that the other person doesn’t want a relationship but enjoy your company. Unfortunately, it may mean that they are juggling too many things at once. (Not limited to other people, could be work, kids, stress, etc)
You should always feel comfortable asking someone to COMMIT to telling you their level of interest or ADMIT that that they only want a friend. Now they may not be ready to commit to a relationship yet but they should at least know if they are interested in that with you at some point. Also, you should always make them comfortable enough to let you know if they change their mind.
“Rather than love, than money, than fame, give me TRUTH.” – Henry David Thoreau
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Hey Mauzi...these are very interesting topics indeed! Thanks for blogging.
ReplyDeleteI think that the reason people find themselves in the ambiguous zone is that they either a.) don't know what they want or b.) are too afraid to admit that they want it.
I am very clear with men that I date that a.) I'm looking to be in a committed, monogamous relationship and b.) we will have an open discussion when it's time to commit or quit. (The sound of the condom wrapper opening is a pretty good indicator that you've just gotten yourself a girlfriend, btw) :)
Now, because I AM looking to be in a committed and monogamous relationship, I don't really keep a lot of dudes just hanging around if they're not someone I'm feeling in a serious way. I actually think that further lends to the confusing feelings. If I were just looking to "hang out" with folks, that would be different. But I have a job, a fitness routine, long-time friends and cat to manage. I don't have a lot of other time to engage in mixed-signal dating.
Hey Ladonna...thanks for the post! You have the right approach but unfortunately lots of people don't. LMAO about the condom wrapper opening comment. However, there are plenty of people who are still confused after the Latex Grand Opening! That is why I left that alone. I wanted to focus more on the being upfront with your intentions piece.
ReplyDeleteGreat comments though. Please share your views on future posts.
hey brian...well stated!
ReplyDeletei definitely agree on being honest about your feelings once the 'hang' has entered the 'passive-aggressive stage'.
i've pretty much handled my previous relationships the way Ladonna has...making my intentions known once i'm clear on what i would like to see happen.
my current relationship is the only one where the guy sat ME down (after 3-4 months of dating) over a nice dinner and made it very clear that "we are MORE than 'buddies'...we are not just 'hanging out' and i see you with my last name one day." i was blown away after that...in a good way. we are 2 1/2 years in...LOL.
his honestly made it so much easier for me to relax and focus.
LMAO @ the Latex Grand Opening! and i ummm...plead the 5th on that. ;-)
WoW:Very Interesting. I really dont know what to say because I've been on both ends of this scenerio before and I can honestly say I'm still learning to deal.....
ReplyDeleteSometimes your so attracted to someone that you'de rather not say anything at all hoping, even though you've never heard them say it, but hoping they're feeling the same way as you (ie: no news is good news).
Then on the other hand you have the person that's crazy about you but you like them ONLY as a friend and nothing more. You tend to hold back here because you don't want to lose that persons friendship so you sort of go along with the program. Bottom line, neither situtation is correct and you end up cheating not only the other person involved but yourself too.