Commitment is a temporary event. Committed is a lifestyle or way of life. People think that if you have never been married then you are AFRAID of commitment. Is the goal to at least say you done it before? There are plenty of people who will commit in “TITLE ONLY” and continue to act single. What about the “Path of Least Resistance” person who has been married a few times but can’t seem to stay married? They are not afraid of commitment but are they afraid of being committed?
Many people think that a person who has been married is, somehow, a better catch than someone who hasn’t. Why? Because they have demonstrated that they would at least do it, therefore, they go to the head of the class. Everyone who hasn’t been married, regardless of their age, isn’t unwilling to commit. Maybe they haven’t found anyone worth committing to that they feel would last forever. Forever is a long time.
A lot of people get married with the mindset that if it doesn’t work, divorce is ALWAYS an option. No one goes in thinking that they WILL get divorced but many don’t think that they CAN’T get divorced either. That is the issue. If you knew you couldn’t get out of it…you would probably make a better decision up front and you would definitely be much more committed to make it work. You should make sure it is right up front. If you go in thinking divorce is NOT an option, you would make very different decisions or at least get a few things clear BEFORE tying the knot then hanging from it.
While I do know there ARE people who are afraid of commitment, however, it is NOT solely based on if they have been married or not. There should be numerous examples that show you if your partner is COMMITTED to you and the relationship or not. How well you resolve conflict with them. Are things that are important to you getting the proper attention they deserve in the relationship. Are agreed upon goals being met? Don’t confuse Effort with Effectiveness. Trial and Error is the worse and most time consuming method of reaching success!
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Relationships are complicated. Marriage is even more complicated, because it is not only the joining of two people in a commitment but also, those two people’s families, each of their children (if they have them pre-marriage), the other person’s baby-momma or baby-daddy or God forbid plural baby-mommas or baby-daddies, the natural families of the two people, the assets and debt of the two people. If one is a saver and the other a spender, conflict. If one decides to stop working, conflict. If both are savers but one is an investor, conflict. If both are investors but one is high-risk and the other risk-averse, conflict. Which church are you going to attend? How do you divide holidays between families, etc. What about when one of your families’ needs money? What if one of you needs to relocate? I think I have made my point. It takes two people to make a commitment, but each person has to be committed to make it work. If one person is committed and the other is not, the commitment is broken and depending on the issue and the willingness of both people involved, it could be broken beyond repair. Some people believe in staying and being miserable for the sake of the commitment. Some believe in staying in the commitment but cheating to get pleasure from the outside. Some believe in putting in the work and resurrecting the commitment and trying to keep a loving and happy marriage. To me, the only “committed” person is the last. It is important to be able to indentify first of all who YOU are in the relationship and then, who your partner is. However, and this is my life experience, people change. We all change. We can try our best to grow together, but sometimes people grow apart. Some people get married and get way too comfortable. The security is nice and comfortable but don’t lose your sexy or your swag just because you’re married. Keep it hot. Keep trying to “get” that other person, because we do change a little bit every day. But when one person gives up, or actually begins to sabotage the relationship, whether they are conscious of it or not, and refuses to take good advice, professional or not, then one person does not have the ability to maintain the commitment alone, even if they are committed. And we can believe that we can see the future and predict another person’s actions, but that is self-deception or maybe just naiveté. You can never predict what someone else will do or stop doing. We don’t completely even know that about ourselves. After having been married, I date looking at men with a completely different set of standards than before living the marriage experience because I have a better understanding of what is important on a day to day, or event to event, or even in a crisis level. I have a better idea of what kind of father I might want to have children with and raise them. It is not something that can really be articulated, it is so very instinctive. But you know. Before I was married, someone said to me, if you are ready, you don’t ask yourself, you just know. This is true. If anyone reading this is looking for answers about whether someone is committed, first of all, you should be able to tell. If you cannot tell, then they are not committed. Sometimes a person is committed and just hasn’t “labeled” it, yet. Maybe they are waiting to see something in you. Approach that person and ask: What do you want in your life? What are you ready for? Sometimes you meet a wonderful person who just isn’t ready for what you are ready for. Sometimes circumstances are the issue. There may be personal issues that the person is not discussing that may make them feel uncertain about the future or that they need to take care of before letting anyone any closer. If you are happy, trust what you are feeling. If you don’t trust it and need answers, ask for them. Communication is very important, especially in a marriage. If the person won’t talk to you or at least give you enough of an understanding to be able to relate to their decisions, then take that as a STRONG sign that maybe you shouldn’t look for a commitment from them. Sometimes our answers are in front of us, it just may be evidentiary instead of nice and clear pillow talk the way we might want it to be. When we can’t hear what we want to hear, we must learn to feel. Sometimes we need to listen instead of feel. This is wisdom and faith. And any marriage requires these skills as well.
ReplyDeleteOkay ya'll, I had to take a deeeeep breath on that one. I don't know either of you from Adam or Eve but you both have fed my spirit today in a way neither of you could truly understand.
ReplyDeleteThank you!
Great post Angel! It is definitely a 2-way street. This blog was to help people understand that there is a difference in Commitment and Committed. You are very accurate in saying that both parties have to be all in.
ReplyDeleteMauz', great topic...
ReplyDeleteAngel, you put it down every time on the response tip...
Glad to read this stuff... Great things to think about...
Lish.