I Love You…So Let’s Break Up! That is the hardest thing to do when you Love someone. Many times you are involved in a relationship and everything is going well but out of nowhere …BAM…your feelings change. You don’t know why but you start falling out of love. You have no idea why it happened. It just did. The vibe is not there anymore. It doesn’t have to be caused by a big event like someone got caught cheating. On paper, this is the person you are supposed to be with. They are “perfect” for you and your friends and family would fall out and die if you two weren’t together. At one point, you even felt that way. So why are you feeling like you don’t want to do it anymore?
Everyone has an idea of a “perfect” mate. Then they find a person like that and they fall in love with the “IDEA” of that person and NOT the person. However, very rarely, is that the person that they continue to date. You have to be honest about what is important to YOU…not what is important to MOST people. It is easy to say that I want someone who loves me and treat me nice. Everyone wants that, but is that enough? You have to really be honest with yourself about the things that are important to YOU. Also, what are you willing to give? Is it what your partner values? It is important to know what they think is of value. Like any good negotiation or contract, both parties have to feel like they have proper consideration or value. If you feel you can no longer give that to your partner then the Break Up is the best option.
There has to be a strong vibe or that “something that you like about them” that you can’t express in words. No one else can see that from the outside looking in. That is the difficult part of listening to advice from others because no one has the interaction that you have with your mate. So they really don’t understand anything except what they see or what you told them. They perceive them not treating you right and say “End it” or they may see them treating you like royalty and say you would be a fool to “End it”. Therefore, if you get to the stage where you don’t know if you still want to be in the relationship, you have to counsel yourself. Your feelings for your mate should be RE-GENERATING. If you are at the point of MANUFACTURING feelings for them, it is probably time to go.
This is the worse feeling in the world. You don’t want to “Start Over”. There is no question about if they are COMMITTED to you or not. You are very COMFORTABLE with them. You can’t break up because you don’t have a good enough reason right? Therefore, you prolong the INEVITABLE. You know that you should communicate your feelings and be honest but that is very difficult when you love someone and don’t want to hurt them. Meanwhile, you are BREAKING DOWN as a person because you don’t want to hurt them by BREAKING UP. You love them enough to SACRIFICE your feelings to PROTECT theirs. The problem with this is that YOU are not being fulfilled. You can’t hide unhappiness. You will get questioned more and more by them because they know you well enough to see that you are masking your feelings. They know that your feelings have changed. They genuinely want to know why so they can try and fix it.
Instead of telling them, you start trying to become less available or picking fights for nothing. This is very deceptive. Therefore, they continue to question you about your feelings for reassurance. By this time, every little thing they do starts to annoy you. Eventually, this will get on your nerves to the point where you finally let it out. Unfortunately, that is normally in a negative tone or manner, which hurts them more than if you just sat them down and BROKE IT DOWN.
You should explain to them that your feelings changed even if you don’t know why. At least they have the benefit of knowing that it wasn’t anything they done specifically. If they feel they have given all that they had and it still wasn’t enough, they can rest easier knowing they didn’t personally mess it up. People can’t handle DECEPTION as well as TRUTH. Staying with someone because you love the IDEA of them is quite frankly, a BAD IDEA!
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Wow. I have two friends that have been together 4 years and he was feeling this exact same way. He tried breaking up with her, several times, and finally did it a month ago. All his friends told him these exact same things. He would tell me and her that she's exactly what he would want in a wife and can't figure out why he doesn't feel the same way he did in the beginning. She's still struggling with him not having a reason. I think I'll send her this link, it was very insightful. So when will you be publishing a book??? Robin
ReplyDeleteAgreed. You can do bad by yourself. I also think that the party that falls out of love shouldn't tarry at making their feelings known. Otherwise everyones time is wasted. I have more respect for someone that is honest with their feelings as opposed to taking the passive aggressive route.
ReplyDeleteCan you truly imagine how many failed marriages or long term relationships were built from out of this kind of shaky/leaky foundation? There are so many people out here today who allow themselves to live in misery simply because they refuse to communicate their true feelings to their mate. Shoot, I've done that myself...and somewhat ashamed to say that I have done it more than once. Had to learn though....not cool. Obviously we know that the problem is that no one wants to be the bad guy per se. No one wants to deliver the bad news....especially when YOU really don't have what YOU feel may not be an acceptable explanation for the change in YOUR feelings for this person. Now how selfish is that? Notice, I continue to focus on YOUR feelings...not your mate. YOU stay in the relationship because YOU don't want to hurt them. What is missed, while YOU have been on YOUR self-serving mission to not hurt your mates feelings, YOU have managed to show a complete lack of respect for their resolve. Look, YOU can't decide for them what YOU think that they can and can't handle!! YOU have also managed to hold them captive in a worthless relationship that may have retarded their personal growth in other aspects of their lives, such as with their professional lives or in their interactions with family and friends. The longer YOU string along this fruitless relationship, the longer and more severe the pain YOU cause to the person YOU claim you loved and respected. It's amazing how many people don't understand/recognize this. Although the reasons for the change in feelings may not be readily explainable in terms that the rejected person may understand, we all know that the longer the relationship is allowed to linger, the thicker that thin line between love and hate becomes. Instead of breaking things off amicably, the breakup becomes an unavoidable mess!! Show some respect....
ReplyDeleteI’ve found that in many relationships the excited, passionate, “in love” period of a relationship is when there is most often a certain amount of bliss. It’s impossible to sustain these idyllic feelings long term, but most relationships that are headed for real success begin with the honeymoon period in which each person is willing to forego many of his or her own preferences for the sake of the others. So, if two people are already at odds with one another in the beginning, then that might be cause for concern. People tend to know when something is not right in a relationship, but will continue to press-on instead of listening to that inner voice. Yes, sometimes our inner voices can be wrong, especially when we are motivated by fear, insecurity, or some other negative emotion. However, before you ever dismiss what your instincts are telling you, you should at the very least give them a good listen. Then, if they turn out to be wrong, you aren’t out of anything. But if your instincts are saying that this relationship may be in trouble, and they turn out to be correct, then you will have saved yourself a lot of heartache.
ReplyDeleteCan love mysteriously just disappear? Without reason?? I believe that true love never dies, there maybe other points of contention that sever the bond between couples, but love is always there. Several divorced couples that couldn't work through their differences still have for love each other. Love is not this magical thing that happens and mysteriously disappears. Love REQUIRES work. The goal is to encourage one's mate to be the best version of themselves, and to speak their mates love language EVERYDAY. If two people who are truly compatible, make a conscious effort to achieve this, then love doesn't die. Love is almost like Newton's law of energy, it can't be created nor destroyed, but transforms from one state to another. Couples that mysteriously experience the death of love were never truly in love in the first place.
ReplyDelete